Tried To Give You Up, But I'm Addicted

How did it come to this?

Muse, what a wonderful band for the rest of the world. If you're not into them, you should start to listen to them. They have such wonderful melody and the lyrics to explain your every mood.

I've started to let go of my life and I don't know how to get it back. I lost it all. Falling away with you, was all I could do but things became so out of hand and I started to hate you, more loath you but my word is hate. Whenever I tried to make things ok, it was your chance to give me shit and ruin it for me. So then I never wanted to try. Then if you tried, I was still hating you for shooting down my chance to make emends.

I don't want to be as free as a bird. The idea frightens me, alot. And I get that I'm not worth it. But I don't want to fight every other person who gets your attention more than me. When I wanted you, you never saw it and I was always left hanging and you constantly ignored me for your friends.

I need you to be good to me. You never completely were because whenever I asked or wanted something, you did always keep it in the back of your mind and on a few occasions, the list did come out, jokingly or not. You kept it. I don't also like your jokes about me. It's only taking a stab at me and I hate it. It's abusing and it's what makes me hate you the most.

You have to stay for me. Fuck you.

This is not all.

SHOOT(h)ER

It's the criticisms. All of them, even the ones he claims are just him 'saying'. They hurt and I don't care if your just letting me fucking know, if you didn't like half the shit I do, why date me? I'm over you over-judging me as a person and my personality, as if you know me better than i know myself. Your fucking full of it. Let me make the judge on whether I like a fucking band, or a movie, I don't need you saying, because I like it you'll hate it.

It's all the time and I am never allowed the chance to pick at you back. It's either 'get off my back, stop telling me I'm a failure and rubbing it in my face, or give me some slack'. YOU DON'T NEED SLACK. You need structure. You obviously have never been in a fucking relationship before, and now you have other expectations to meet, NOT JUST YOURS. It frustrates me to know I'll have a new job before you because your picky. If only you'd put the time into any job like you claim your going to do.

I can't take you telling me you hate me not lactually kicking the crap out of someone when I use it as an expression, even though you can boast about how you would kick the crap of ppl because you have in the past. WHEN? I think it's bull. Then saying, oh I'd get my brother if i could, and when the time comes, you don't. Ha. It's a shame I promised to never cut again because you make me feel like shit all the fucking time, and your the reason why I do. You fail because you don't try, and if you tried you wouldn't fail. I can't stand the way you use my personality as a weapon, or all the things I've fucking opened up to you about and mock me with them. YES I DO GET DEPRESSED. HAPPY NOW !? But oh, at the sound of anti-depressants is me taking it to far. I'm over whenever I have a problem with you and I need to confront or argue with you about it, you become a weak fuckhead, and your only fucking reply is " oh I'm not talking anymore now". You cowardly fuck. I HATE YOU SOMETIMES. This relationship isn't fair, and i know you spend a fuckload amount of money on me, I get it.

All I want from you is to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I've tried helping you get out of your fucking one, but your sending me into mine.

Breakdown

Pretending not too know?


I'm unhappy as I sit here and write this blog. I don't know what to write about as I have no focus to discuss anything somewhat personal to myself. The only person able to trust in life, is yourself, and even then and sometimes you are bound to break that trust as friendship sounds sweet. Every rose has its thorn, poison had it right.


But november rain holds the answers to it all and to me, is the key to working through my indefinate problems. I can handle being ignored, but I cannot handle moods and sulking very well. It's an attention seeking emotion, and if you get pulled into the sob and give them the pathetic sympathy they want, they win. You've lost the fight. Others will take it as caring and you want to help the one hurt, but I haven't ever seen it this way. I'd really like to know why though. But it's the same with myself, I neither like attention drawn to myself or have others pity me. I don't need to be pittied, EVER!

F.I.N.E
F - fucked up
I - Insecure
N - Neurotic
E - Emotional


Always remember this, and whenever somebody gives you the answer of fine, this is what they really mean.

Girls of Summer

It's hard, you know? Your constantly fighting for a break, just alone time but all it does is run further and further from you. As God is testing your strength of a human being and how long it will take you to crack. I won't break in and I'll keep on fighting this war inside not only myself but the social community around me.

Your friends are always there for you, but sometimes what if they are there too much, how do you break this bond slightly, not to harm but to relax before you snap and release all the contempt you have for figures in your life.

Your significant other is far away, not that he cares though, although the amounts of time you've screamed you'd think he'd care slightly too. But no, he is just like all the rest, they love the attention they get from others, they feed on it. But must always feel like judgement is upon them, try telling me this is normal? I'm all for gossip, as I love too rant and complain about victims in my sight who pass my path and crowd it with undermeaningful words, for which I care nothing about.

You find it hard enough as it is living through life, but the second you get that freedom so fucking longed for, a figure crowds the picture, must feeling left out and wants to join the gang. Maybe there own life sucks although freedom found them long ago, they see you happy and content with others and feels the need to barge into private life. Internetal technology does not help the situation but merely becomes a breeding ground for rage and unwanted attention.

So as you pack your things, for the next day of grim torture, you think how will i survive this day?